For obvious reasons
by Autumn-is-beautiful
Summary: Re-uploaded, now NOT a list. Sasuke tries to convince his yaoi fangirls that he would obviously never be in a relationship with Naruto. Sasuke POV. Warning: Parody - I will make fun of Naruto and fangirls.
1. taste

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing or yaoi fangirls, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character).

Disclaimer: I do not own anything

* * *

Today was an aggravating day. First my crazy fangirls were fighting over who would sit next to me in class at the academy. Then Naruto was getting in my face, and someone shoved him, causing him to fall forwards into me. That is all that happened. We did not kiss. But that doesn't stop a new group of fangirls from chasing me. Yaoi fangirls. They don't want to date me, they desperately want Naruto to date me. Could this day get any worse?

I changed my mind. Things can always get worse. Now they have me cornered.

"Aww, You and Naruto would make such a cute couple!" one squealed. She was greeted with a chorus of "Aww" from the rest of the group.

I have to stop them before they get out of hand, become rabid and obsessed like my other set of fangirls. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO!" I shouted to get their intention. "He doesn't even taste good. When he was shoved into me, he tasted sweet. I do not like sweet things. I prefer tomatoes, or anything equally acidic to go with my personality. Why would I want to kiss someone who tastes so disgustingly sweet? Get it through your thick heads that I do not like that dobe!" With that, I formed the tiger handsign, and blew out fire, forcing them to scatter so I could make my escape.

There. That should take care of that group of fangirls. After all, surely I had convinced them of my disinterest in that dobe, right? If only I had known how wrong I was.

The next morning, I was unsurprised to see my regular fangirls all trying to sit in the seats near my desk, but I was surprised to see one yaoi fangirl obstinately refusing to give up the seat next to mine. Did she switch sides? Decide that she wanted me for herself instead of with Naruto?

My thoughts were interrupted as the dobe himself wandered into class, a little late, as usual. However, my yaoi fangirl quickly stood up, and pushing a little chakra into her feet, sped over to the blonde, grabbed his arm, dragged him over to the seat she had been sitting in, then sped away to sit in another seat. Ah. So this is what she was up to. She was guarding a seat next to me, so that she could force Naruto into it. Damn. I thought I took care of the yaoi fangirls. Naruto, however, didn't seem to notice anything, just sat in the seat next to me, and tried to copy my answers during our test. As if I would ever let him copy my answers. Why would I, when it was so amusing to see him try to wrap that tiny brain of his around the problem and fail miserably. It would be a sad day if they let him graduate the academy. Such an idiot. And this is who my yaoi fangirls want to pair me with? I could do _so_ much better.

After class, I sped away home. None of my fangirls of either kind could move as fast as I could, and I was free of their suffocating obsession for the moment. At least until class tomorrow. Sigh.


	2. idiot

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character). And I still don't own Naruto.

* * *

It's been years since that "kiss" with Naruto, and still these rabid fangirls won't leave me alone. You want to know the real reason I abandoned Konoha? Konoha is chock-full of obsessive fangirls. But even when I've left, they still manage to find me. At least there are fewer of them now.

I heard a sound and spun around. Damn. Another one. She opened her mouth and I rudely cut her off. The last thing I needed was to hear another cutesy poetical argument about why I should return to him and live happily ever after. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO, AND I NEVER WILL! Stop pestering me! You keep coming up with reasons for why I should be with him, well here's a reason I'll never be with him! He is an idiot. Let me give you one example: Hinata. She stalked him for years, stuttered, turned red and fainted only around him. And he couldn't figure out that she liked him." I glared at her ferociously. "Do you need a second? Just think about how long it took Naruto to realize who his father was, even with all the clues that he was given. How about a third? He believed Mizuki and stole the scroll when he flunked the academy. How does stealing equal promotion to genin? And I already gave you a fourth: he flunked the academy. Let's see, he was also the last to be promoted to chunin, excluding me, but being Orochimaru's sole apprentice elevates me above his level. And, he can't recognize a Genjutsu to save his life, just runs around like a headless chicken, shooting off rasengans at nothing. Though I must admit, this is amusing to watch. Or how about my favorite: his promise to Sakura to bring me back. Did he honestly believe that _he_ could bring _me_ back? I don't think so, idiot. I could continue the list of his stupid mistakes, but I fear I would die of old age before I finished. Idiot." After I screamed at her, I chased her off with snakes. Maybe she'll think twice about coming back. Maybe, but somehow I doubt it. Stupid rabid fangirls.


	3. destiny and orange

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character).

Disclaimer: I do not own the Naruto franchise

* * *

Damn fangirls. They still keep coming to me. I didn't even wait for this one to get near me. I screamed "He wants nothing in the world more than to be Hokage of the Leaf village. I want to _destroy_ the Leaf village because they ordered my brother to kill my entire family, including me. Do you see the problem now?" Before blowing a giant fireball at her. I don't know where she went. Maybe I incinerated her. It would serve her right. Why can't they just leave me alone?

* * *

My yaoi fangirls have an amazing ability to still find me, no matter where I hide. Though they all should regret incurring my wrath, they still keep coming. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS! His favorite color is orange. He refuses to wear anything else. Orange is a hideous color. It makes my skin look sallow and it's too cheerful. It detracts from my whole dark, mysterious, dangerous aura. Black is the perfect color. Red is acceptable. Orange is not. He wears clothes the color of an oompa loompa. Why would I find this attractive? And not even a large purple butt-bow could make his outfit acceptable! Now, get out!" My eyes start turning red with black markings, and the girl flees. It's a shame she left so soon. I would have liked torturing her as payback for all the aggravation she and the rest of the yaoi fanclub have been. Oh well. There will probably be another tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. My never-ending stream of torturers.


	4. one trick pony and names

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character).

Disclaimer: I did not miraculously acquire the rights to Naruto between yesterday and today, so I still do not own Naruto.

* * *

It had been an entire week without interruption, and I thought maybe they had finally given up their delusions, but sadly, I was mistaken. Another one came today, this one dressed up like Naruto, shouting something about bringing me back, except her wig fell off. I almost smirked, but remembered that they were obnoxious, not funny. So I went back to my normal shout a reason I could do _so_ much better than that idiot and chase her off. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO! He only has one trick up his sleeve. He can create shadow clones. That has been his only trick since before he was made a genin. Now he can add rasengans to it, but that requires shadow clones. He can also use his rasen-shuriken, but that requires shadow clones as well. One of his "new" tricks is sage mode, but he had to leave shadow clones meditating next to toad oil in order to keep this up. Do you see a pattern here? He has one trick, shadow clones, and that is it. His Taijutsu isn't great and he can't cast a Genjutsu to save his life. It's no wonder he stayed a genin for so long. I could do so much better, now go away!"

She actually obeyed my orders and fled, though most people probably would flee if they were being chased by my Chidori. "And don't come back!"

* * *

Sigh. Yet another fangirl. This one was screaming something about all my excuses just being excuses, that I was really in denial, and secretly craved a relationship with the dobe. _I'm the one in denial? They're the ones in denial about me wanting nothing to do with him._ "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO YOU IDIOTS! Sakura calls _him_ idiot (though she is one to talk). His name means steamed fishcake. I was named after a mighty warrior. Why the hell would I go out with someone named after a character in a book that didn't sell, especially if said character was named after a ramen topping? And he doesn't even deserve that horrible name. There is a reason I don't use his name. He is a loser. That is why I call him dobe. Because he is one. And so are you! Now get away from me!" _Why won't they just leave me alone?_


	5. ramen and loyalty

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character).

Disclaimer: I think we've already established that I do not own Naruto

* * *

Another day, another screaming explanation of why I hate that dobe, another fangirl fleeing while screaming in terror. Don't they ever get tired of this? I'm running out of great ideas. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO! Ramen is a disgusting food. It is bland, and doesn't have any tomatoes in it. Not to mention that it has no nutritional value. Why would I like someone who is undoubtedly heading for death by malnutrition because of a diet consisting only of ramen, occasionally accompanied by expired milk? I hate him! Now stop bothering me!"

I gave this one a kunai in the arm to remember my by. I purposely didn't hit the legs or anywhere vital. I wanted her to be able to leave, and tell all the other rabid ones to stay away. Unfortunately, it probably won't work. Maybe I'll kill the next one.

* * *

Argh! Why will they not stop following me? "Shut the hell up about his innocent blue eyes and his sunny smile and whatever other crap you say about him! I DO NOT LIKE HIM! He's weak! He's all "I will protect those important to me." I abandoned Konoha to join Orochimaru, then killed him and joined the Akatsuki to destroy my former home. **I **take advantage of any opportunity that is presented to me to further my goals. Unfortunately for him, that dobe will never accomplish anything. He's too bound by this ridiculous ideal called loyalty. He's a loser and I hate him! I hate you too! Now get out and never come back!"

Maybe I'll just kill everyone, then there won't be anyone left to pester me.


	6. mornings and a uterus

A/N: This is a parody. I don't mean to offend anyone, come off sounding as though I hate the pairing, or dislike anyone who writes or likes SasuNaru stories, I just thought this would be funny to write. (And Sasuke can be an arrogant ass, so I wrote him in character).

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. Neither is Sasuke. And luckily, I do not have any fangirls either.

* * *

I'm running out of ideas, but the nutcases keep coming. Maybe I should come up with a more permanent solution to my problem than just yelling at them, because obviously this isn't working. But I have to get rid of this one before I can think straight. "I DO NOT LIKE NARUTO! He's not a morning person. I think he is wasting time sleeping. Then when he does wake up, he's disgustingly cheerful and happy. I half expect him to be surrounded by pink sparkly unicorns. Dobe. I just want to cultivate my dark, mysterious, dangerous aura! NOW GO AWAY SO I CAN THINK!" She screamed and took off. Good, now I can get back to thinking of a more permanent solution.

Unfortunately I didn't get much time to think before another one came. Two in one day? Why? And how do they keep finding me? "I DO NOT LIKE HIM, AND I NEVER WILL! DUH! He doesn't have a uterus! How the hell am I supposed to perpetuate the clan with another guy? Make magical ass babies? I don't think so. I am the last Uchiha, and I do not intend to be the last of my clan ever, so I need someone with a uterus, preferably whoever could give me the largest number of strong offspring possible. Naruto is not an option, now get out!"

I have to come up with a permanent solution, and there is only one good one. Instead of getting rid of all the fangirls, why don't I just get rid of Naruto? My fangirls can't pressure me to date a dead body right? I really am a prodigy. Such a simple, elegant solution.


End file.
